Fortunately, haunted houses exist for you to channel these anxieties in a safe, healthy, therapeutic manner. So if throughout the course of this month, you feel an odd urge to commit an act of petty vandalism or wolf down multiple shots of tequila while dressed as a contraceptive device, consider attending the following five attractions instead, as they’re less likely to leave you with a criminal record.
The Chamber of Horrors, Middletown
The premise: After numerous human experiments, a teen-aged horror movie fanatic built the ideal haunted house filled with automated horrors that come to life. Expect to see familiar movie monsters such as Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger and sets such as the graveyard from "Pet Sematary."
What's new and different: "Everything is homemade from scratch," said owner Ed Short. "We have things that other houses like to copy, like the falling ceiling. Ours just comes crashing down, but other places use hydraulics, and you can hear the hissing."
Short said that, unlike other haunts, the Chamber not only keeps groups separated from one another, but his actors also don’t deliberately prey on the female members of the party.
“In a lot of haunted houses, it’s like a conga line,” he said. “You’re either running into the group ahead or the group behind is running into you. The gap is important, so you really feel like you’re trapped inside. Every haunt we go to, the house monsters go around me to get to my wife. We tell our actors to go for the big scare, that if you go after the biggest guy in the room, chances are everyone else will be on the floor.”
Short said that, due to economics, this will be the last year the Chamber will be open for the Halloween season.
“In the last few years, the number of haunts has gone from 50 to 150, all claiming to be the best after being around for six months,” Short said wryly. “We’ve been doing this for 35 years.”
How to go
What: The Chamber of Horrors
Where: 1601 S. University Blvd., Middletown
When: Through Nov. 2; dark-12 a.m. Fridays and dark-1 a.m., Saturdays
Cost: $13
More info: www.thechambers.org
The Dent Schoolhouse, Cincinnati
The premise: This schoolhouse, heavily renovated for safety purposes, actually did educate children during the first half of the 20th century. By all accounts, it was a fine academic experience except for the children who disappeared, or so the legend goes. A smell from the basement eventually led authorities to what remained of the children, murdered by a janitor named Charlie McFree. Charlie fled before he could be brought to justice.
Why it's different: "It's one of the most thematic attractions around," said co-owner Bud Stross. "Everything looks like it's from the 1950s. We joke that if we ever shut down, we could run an antique mall for a couple of years."
According to official records, the only part of the legend that can be confirmed is there was indeed a janitor named Charlie McFree who worked at the old school.
“Some people say it was covered up, that it’s Cincinnati’s big blemish,” Stross said. “Others said it’s just something we made up to make money. But we didn’t make it up. We bought the building from the Boy Scouts, who used it as a charity venue. They’re the ones who told us about it. It came with the building.”
Stross said they alter approximately one-third of the schoolhouse every year. Additions this year include a boy’s locker room with running water, a prom that’s frozen in time so patrons have to walk through the dancers, and a nursery filled with dolls, a few which might be breathing. Stross said that, from past experience, this latter room has proved particularly troublesome for grown men.
How to go
What: The Dent Schoolhouse
Where: 5936 Harrison Ave., Cincinnati
When: Through Oct. 31 (with possible additional dates on Nov. 1-2); 7:30-10 p.m. Thursdays and Sundays, 7:30 p.m.-midnight Fridays-Saturdays
Cost: $10-$40
More info: www.frightsite.com.
Land of Illusion, Middletown
The premise: This scream park boasts six attractions in one location, comprised of four thematic haunted houses, one haunted trail, and one zombie sniper patrol. As you're wandering between events, you can grab refreshments at the covered Voodoo Lounge, sit by the bonfire, or check out what's happening on stage, which can feature live music, a screened horror movie, or fellow patrons participating in the "Scareoke" contest.
What's new and different: Beth A. Miller, director of public relations, says the park has undergone several tweaks during the off-season.
“We took an existing part of the haunted trail and moved it underground,” she said. “We’ve added some fright sections so there’s things around every corner. We’ve added additional actors to the zombie patrol. We’ve added animatronics and brought in artists to enhance the overall scare appeal.”
As Miller pointed out, Land of Illusion’s five-in-one setup remains a big selling point.
“At most haunts, you’re paying a dollar amount for one haunt,” she said. “With us, you can go through the haunts as many times as you want, using the fast pass option, and then there’s the bonfire, the lounge, and other activities. You could easily spend an entire evening for that one dollar amount.”
How to go
What: Land of Illusion
Where: 8762 Thomas Road, Middletown
When: Through Nov. 1; 8 p.m.-2 a.m. Friday-Saturdays and 8 p.m.-11:30 p.m. Sundays
Cost: $24.99-$34.99 (add $15 for a fast pass)
More info: 513-423-9960 or www.landofillusion.com.
U.S.S. Nightmare
The premise: The curse of this U.S. Army Corps of Engineers-built, steam-powered dredge began in the construction stages, with the mysterious deaths of three workers. But the boat's biggest tragedy was when its lines mysteriously snapped on a foggy night, sending the boat careening on a strong river current until it collided with a bridge, killing many crewmembers as well as Captain William S. Mitchell. Those are the spirits you will be encountering for the most part, and apparently Captain Mitchell wasn't all that stable when he was alive.
What's new and different: According to the U.S.S. Nightmare's Facebook page, by the second week of operation, 23 people had already chickened out, several of whom before they had even entered the boat itself.
“Normally, it takes a little bit longer to reach that total,” chuckled Nightmare President Allen Rizzo. “We’ve added some CGI at the beginning and the end, made it a bit more intense.”
As always, the Nightmare will have its “eXtreme Unrated Captain’s Tour,” on Oct. 24-25.
“There are more actors, and they really get into your face,” Rizzo said. “It’s like the NC-17 version.”
Yet, as Rizzo pointed out, the R version is more than enough for most people.
“People don’t realize how long it is,” he said. “It’s about 25-30 minutes, and not every room scares you in the same way. You might make it through the first few rooms, but we’ll get to you eventually.”
How to go
What: U.S.S. Nightmare
Where: 101 Riverboat Row, Newport, Ky.
When: Through Nov. 1; 7-11 p.m. Wednesdays-Thursdays, Sundays, 7 p.m. - 1 a.m. Fridays-Saturdays
Cost: $6-$25 (general admission) $40 (season pass)
More info: www.ussnightmare.com
Springboro Haunted Hayride and Black Bog
The premise: With the exception of Land of Illusion's Zombie Sniper Patrol, the Haunted Hayride is the only haunt on our list that puts you in a vehicle, a tractor-trailer that runs a twisty route through the woods, with monsters pursuing you out of haunted cornfields, a swamp shack, and other scenes.
The Black Bog is a haunted trail where patrons wander on foot through different scenes and environments.
What’s New and Different: “We’ve used the natural layout of the (bog) grounds to increase the experience,” said owner Bill Danishek. “On the wagon, there’s safety in numbers, but the bog is designed to separate. With the unique environment and the quality of the scenes and actors, it was considered one of the top ten haunted trails in the state last year.”
How to go
What: Springboro Haunted Hayride and Black Bog
Where: 6070 Springboro Road, Lebanon
When: Through Nov. 1, Friday and Saturday evenings
Cost: $12 (hayride or bog), $22 (both)
More info: 937-748-2272 or www.springborohauntedhayride.com
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