“Life caught me,” he said recently while sitting in his church office. “It surprised me. It shocked me. The man that I was never would have dreamed I’d go to such depth of despair.
“There was absolute horror and darkness in my life. My battery was absolutely done, spent. I had nothing else to give.”
Then the lead pastor, the one who shoulders the concerns of his congregation, firefighters and police officers, dropped this bomb: “Just begging for life to end.”
Ferrell, named lead pastor of Berachah in 1997 after his father, Pastor Lewis Ferrell, died, eventually was sent on an “emergency sabbatical” from pastoring and sought professional help.
“What has taken its toll over time does not have a remedy in a day,” he explained about his lengthy recovery. “They knew that I was smoked, absolutely cooked and they saw that if something didn’t change, I was not going to be around.“
Concerned family members and friends said they wanted the “old Lamar” back, he said.
Instead they got a new version. Pastor 2.0.
“I’m not the same person I was before,” he said.
He writes about that journey, what he calls his “rescue” and how he hopes his story leads others who walked a similar path to seek assistance in his memoir, “Dirty BIG Secret.”
As he said: “Every one of us has secrets. We got really dark, big secrets that are not only chocking us, but they are debilitating us. Those secrets have got to be able to come out. I was living — I don’t know if I would say I was living a lie — but living in such a desperate state.“
The seeds for the book, the first from the pastor, were planted by one of Ferrell’s favorite and accomplished authors, Mark Batterson, at a conference 15 years ago. During a break-out session, Ferrell asked Batterson if he thought Ferrell should write a book.
Batterson told Ferrell that everyone has “a book in them,” and writing a book would be his way of “leaving a legacy” for his children and grandchildren.
“That always stuck with me,” Ferrell said.
When it was time to write a book, the topic could have gone in numerous directions, he said.
His father started Berachah before he died of cancer; Ferrell and his wife, Maryanne, have two grown children, Luke, who was born premature, and Elley, who has spina bifida; Ferrell was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2019 and it returned in 2021; and he has served as a chaplain for 20 years.
He has seen a lifetime of misery and heartache before his 58th birthday.
As a pastor and chaplain Ferrell considers himself a first-responder. When others are running away from tragedy, he’s running in armed with comforting conversations.
So Ferrell decided to write about his struggles from 10 years ago. He opened his heart one chapter at a time.
“I wanted people to look at real,” he said. “I wanted them to be able to look at a person in a world where everyone wants something perfect. Perfect is not relatable.”
The book, he said, is a collection of stories of his life, and how the community unlocked him from his mental shackles.
Ferrell said he purposely stayed away from contracting with a Christian book publisher. He wanted his book to be appealing to all readers, regardless of their religious beliefs.
The book, he said, “transcends all of our lives” and illustrates the importance of community.
“We were not made to be isolated, insulated, pressed away from people which sadly is where our world is running to,” he said.
The book has references to pop culture and quotes from people not typically written in a pastor’s book, he said.
“It will draw people in and show them every day life,” said Ferrell, a Middletown Christian High School and Miami University graduate. “I’m just a human just like the reader is human.”
Ferrell started writing the book six years ago, one peck at a time on his iPad. For a man who said his “gift is public speaking,” writing “is a whole different animal.”
His office is a reflection of his personality and his favorite things outside of church. There is an extensive golf ball collection, a signed baseball card of Kyle Schwarber, a Middletown native, an autographed Mickey Mantle baseball, a replica of Ohio Stadium, a drawing of Muhammed Ali, numerous family photos and scriptures.
That’s his image today.
That’s not an accurate picture of the pastor 10 years ago.
“I was a man who absolutely was drowning,” he said. “At the end of the day, by the grace of God, I’m still here.”
Then he walked out of his office.
Pastor L. Lamar Ferrell isn’t crawling on his hands and knees anymore.
Columnist Rick McCrabb writes about local people and events every Sunday. If you have an idea for a story, contact him at rmccrabb1@gmail.com.
HOW TO GO
WHAT: Book signing of “Dirty BIG Secret”
WHEN: 6:30 p.m.-8:30 p.m. Nov, 18
WHERE: Compassion City Center, Berachah Church, 1900 Johns Road, Middletown
HOW TO ORDER: Books, priced at $24.99, can be purchased at Berachah’s two campuses, 1900 Johns Road or 6830 Trenton-Franklin Road or on-line starting Nov. 18 at www.realcommunity4U.com.
About the Author
