Michael Jackson’s biggest fan?
It’s South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whose story of international hanky panky moonwalked off the front page thanks to Jackson’s demise. Sanford is the guy who disappeared off the face of the Earth, then explained his vanishing act by saying he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.
Then we found out he was really in South America playing huggy bear and kissy face with his girlfriend. So he’s given a whole new meaning to the term “international date line.”
I’d always thought the Appalachian Trail ran between Maine and Georgia. It was not until Sanford came along that we realized the Appalachian Trail terminates in Tierra Del Fuego.
Hiking the Appalachian Trail was the euphemism Sanford selected for cheating on his old lady. There are others he could have chosen: “Taking the pooch to the dog park where Fido responds to ‘Vamanos,’” “Playing an extended game of Guess the Zip Code,” and “Testing to see if mamma has a long distance sense of humor.”
Hiking the Appalachian Trail. Give me a break. I wonder if Sanford went out and bought new hiking boots and took yodeling lessons to throw people off.
I can’t think of anybody currently who has screwed up quite as spectacularly as Sanford. This Sanford has messed up so bad that even Fred Sanford wouldn’t have anything to do with him. If all of his luggage isn’t out on the lawn, it’s a miracle.
Besides, it’s hard to admire a man who has to use a passport to ruin his family life. At least former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who got popped for hookers, helped the U.S. economy by using local talent.
Just think how much smaller Spitzer’s carbon footprint was when he used women in the States to make a fool of himself, instead of flying halfway around the world as Sanford did, burning up all that jet fuel.
It’s pretty obvious which one of these two is the green guy.
Still, Sanford is a natural-born ventriloquist. He can talk out of both sides of his mouth -— and both sides are the dummy. Back when former President Bill Clinton was having his little Lewinsky problem, ol’ Sanford called for “moral clarity” and said Clinton should resign. Meanwhile, Sanford is hanging onto his governor’s job. That may set the ground speed record for gall, doncha think?
Still, these sorts of screw-ups are always good for the floral business. So how many geraniums do you have to cart home to get out of this jam?
John Kelso writes for the Austin
(Texas)
American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso
@
statesman.com.
