How well does your child know you?

If you want to be emotionally close to your child, you have to have the courage to allow your child to know the real you.

One of the many fun parts of being a parent is the close relationship we develop with our kids. We want to understand what they are thinking and feeling so that we can provide guidance and support.

It’s frustrating when kids won’t allow us to know them as they really are. They may dismiss us with a shrug of their shoulders or a sarcastic remark. Perhaps worst, they may appear to be one way when actually they are feeling quite differently. I hear this frequently from parents whose kids may have tried to intentionally hurt themselves, or have had an alcohol or drug problem unknown to their parents.

Getting kids to talk to you about things that really matter to them means you need to talk about stuff that truly matters to you. Relationships are reciprocal. Kids learn to trust and communicate with you when you interact with them in the same way.

This is difficult when you are talking with a child, rather than a peer. There are some things you should never discuss with your child. It’s also tricky adjusting the conversation to your child’s developmental level. Even so, many parents seem overly reluctant to talk about their own fears, frustrations, and joys and then wonder why kids treat them the same way.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Adjust your conversation to your child's interests and emotional maturity. As you would in any conversation, pay attention to your child's reaction. Don't tell long stories or suggest glib or easy answers to tough problems. Sometimes, just acknowledging that you had a hard time dealing with an issue communicates a really important message to you child. You are human.

2. Connect your experiences with those of your child. This is easy if you are talking about dealing with the frustrations of a failed exam or a loss on a basketball court. It's more challenging if you decide to tell your child about your previous suicide attempt or history of being molested.

3. Avoid extremes. Don't talk too much or endlessly question your child. This is a conversation, not a lecture or an interrogation.

4. Maintain your privacy. You have a right to say that you are not comfortable discussing certain topics, such as sexuality or alcohol usage. However, in some situations, discussing these matters will bring you inextricably close to you child. Be guided by what you think would be helpful to your child, not necessarily what feels comfortable for you.

Next Week: Is your toddler a psychopath?

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