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When the worst news comes, the hardest thing for most patients isn’t dealing with the illness and its treatment. It’s communicating with their loved ones — in a world abruptly more precious and overwhelming than before.
“Everything small becomes very, very unimportant,” said Lynn Wicker of Beavercreek, whose husband was told in January 2010 that he had terminal cancer. “We don’t know how much time we have, we just know we only have a little.”
A life-altering diagnosis often opens the doors to more meaningful conversations and expressions of love, says Dr. Kathleen Bonie, a Dayton psychologist specializing in treating cancer survivors and their families.
“When a person hears the words ‘You’ve got cancer,’ their entire life changes in an instant,” Bonie says. “It can change individuals and their families for the better, giving them renewed emotional connection, a sense of living life more fully, and loving each other more deeply. Communication is the key.”
But as intense emotions take over, patients and those who care about them can be reluctant to reach out.
“Fear, sadness, guilt, and anger are natural reactions to a diagnosis of serious illness,” says Bonie. “No matter how difficult and awkward ... talking about painful emotions may be, these skills can be learned and practiced.”
And those skills don’t have to be perfect before they can help, she says. Most important is listening.
“We’re honest with each other,” she says of her relationship with her husband. “We’ve talked about death; we’ve talked about funerals, trying to understand what his wishes are. Those are hard topics to talk about, and it’s painful, but he’s an adult, and we have to plan this together.”
That’s another important approach, Bonie says.
“A cancer diagnosis can produce a feeling of helplessness, so the best support a loved one can offer is by helping the patient discern what thoughts or actions bring them the most comfort and relief,” she says.
And family members themselves can benefit from reaching out for the love and support of others.
Here are some tips for connecting as loved ones navigate serious illness:
•First, last and always: Listen. Ask thoughtful questions and give them time to answer.
•Don’t offer advice or comments like “you’ll be fine.” Ask before sharing information or talking about the illness.
•Ask how they feel, how they want to act, what they want to do about treatment, what they believe about their illness or about death.
•Let them know it’s OK to be silent and not entertain you. Just being there is what matters.
•Shout, laugh, cry, rage, pound pillows, hug, make art, read stories, tell jokes, go on road trips, watch movies, call friends.
•Offer rides, meals, help with paperwork, simple housework and projects, help with errands, grocery runs, pet-walking.
•Offer to help the patient and community stay connected by fielding phone calls and sending out email updates.
•Talk about simple, present things — the bouquets on the table, the doctor’s hair, the changing weather, the cars going by.
•Talk about memories. What were the moments you’ll remember most?
•Talk about the future, theirs, yours and all your loved ones’.
•Say, “I love you.” “I’m sorry.” “You mean a lot to me.” Say “I love you” again.
The Pink Paper
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